Saturday, June 14, 2014

THE FIVE SECOND HOLLYWOOD MANAGER

I’m not a manager or an agent in Tinsel Town, but I do have some strong advice for Tom Cruise regarding his career nonetheless. And it can be summed up in one sentence. Here it is:

Stop making films with a gun in your hand.

At this juncture, he’s done enough films playing the good guy/agent/soldier/cop who knows his way around all kinds of artillery. Now he needs to branch out more, especially considering that the terrific EDGE OF TOMORROW lacked enough (ahem) firepower to prevail at the box office. (It came in third its first weekend behind THE FAULT IN OUR STARS and X-MEN: DAYS OF FUTURE PAST.)

Here are some other five second advisories for others amongst Hollywood's elite:  

SHAILENE WOODLEY
Do more things like THE FAULT IN OUR STARS and less like DIVERGENT.

NICHOLAS CAGE
Take a good supporting role now and then. And no action films ever again.

NBC
Your version of THE SOUND OF MUSIC wasn't stellar, but keep doing musicals. How about MAME? Or 1776?


X-MEN PRODUCERS
Nicely done on DAY OF FUTURE PAST. Now, stick with the new cast.

HUGH JACKMAN
Loved you as Wolverine all seven times but what else you want to do?

PIXAR STUDIOS
Stop with the sequels. Create something new each time.


JON HAMM
You were hilarious on 30 ROCK and SNL, so now star in a big screen farce.

DARREN ARONOFSKY
NOAH was good. THE WRESTLER and BLACK SWAN were better. Think smaller.

ELI ROTH
Try making a scary movie with no blood. I bet you could. I know you could.


DIRECTORS
Hire Eva Green. Have you seen here in PENNY DREADFUL? She’s stunning!

EMMY VOTERS
And while you're at it, give her the Emmy for that seance episode!


WARNER BROS.
Hire Bruce Timm and Paul Dini to do BATMAN. Their animated series is still the best Dark Knight.

JENNIFER LAWRENCE
Loved your last two Oscar nominated movies but you should play your age more.


AMC NETWORK
Adapt more comics. Start with Y:THE LAST MAN. And 100 BULLETS.

CASTING DIRECTORS
THE JUNGLE BOOK? Really? Please cast Lupita Nyong’o in colorblind roles.

HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
Put Amy Schumer in movies. Let her write ‘em too. Key & Peele too.


ROSE BYRNE'S AGENT
Get her lead roles in movies. She deserves bigger.

PRODUCERS OF THE DAILY SHOW
Find movie vehicles for Samantha Bee, Jason Jones, John Oliver and Jessica Williams.


PARANORMAL ACTIVITY PRODUCERS
Ditch continuing storylines. Do different locations. Start with a haunted hotel, like LA's Sunset Tower (pictured above).

DC COMICS
TV seems to be where it’s at for you. Your series are better than your movies.


CLINT EASTWOOD
Conventions, Tony Awards, whatever you do, go to rehearsals.

DISNEY STUDIOS
Don't just adapt your movies to Broadway. Now do a live action original movie musical. 

 MEG RYAN
Do what Nicole Kidman did to correct her plastic surgery. Then take mature roles like she does now too.

JASON ALEXANDER
Use your SEINFELD residuals to produce and star in a Broadway revival of 1776. Or on NBC TV?

ROBERT REDFORD
Play more villains. You were superb as one in CAPTAIN AMERICA: WINTER SOLDIER.


AMERICAN FILM INSTITUTE
Give your next Life Achievement Award to someone below the line. John Williams.


This managing stuff is easy, no? What advice would you give and to whom? I’d love to hear your sensible suggestions. And thanks for following the blog.

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